19 Nov 2017

Sunday afternoon. I'm sitting home with the kids and the puppy while Jason is getting a tattoo for Lily. Merry Christmas and happy anniversary dear! Things have actually been pretty okay lately. No major issues have occurred. Yet I'm still not happy like I think I should be. I continue to wonder what's wrong with me. There are people in this world who are in worse situations than I am. I have my family in good health. I have a house to live. A stable job I just got promoted in. I work very hard for everything we have. To make my family happy and not want for anything. And I'm still not happy. I have been scared of what I may be capable of doing to Grant because his being a 3 year old attitude really sets me on edge. I threw his sippy cup into the kitchen so hard the other night I'm surprised it didn't break. In the moment I really wanted to throw it at him. It breaks my heart because he is just a normal 3 year old. I look at lily who is the light of my life and I feel so disconnected from her. I get home from dealing with crazy at work and all they want is me and I can't even deal with them because I don't want to yell at them. I can't get a grip on myself and then I make them cry because I yell and throw things. I realize more and more that this is what I went through with my mother and I am doing to them what she did to me.... Dr. says I need to prioritize my life to reduce stress and yada yada yada.... Why do I have to be this way? Why can't I just be thankful for what I have instead of drowning in invisible black water? It's a cycle... It builds up and builds up and then when it all falls down and shatters then I can breathe and be okay for a while until it all builds up and it happens all over again. I thought I was doing okay on the meds and then I began to get worse so I increased them and it didn't help. I continue to be getting worse.... The other night my cat scratched me and it bled and it had stinging pain. It felt a release for the pain to be externalized..... Part of me wishes that I could feel it again..... Another part of me knows that I have no way to hide it..... The third part of me wonders what the Dr would have to say or do if I told him about it but I know that it could be detrimental to my career and my way of providing stability to my family. My thoughts continue to go in circles and it gets exhausting pretending to be okay.....