The Light and The Dark

My husband and I went through the first 3 years of my career with an awful supervisor. He only cared about himself. Many days I went home crying because of how he treated me compared to other airmen. My husband saw this. He watched me go through one of the worst times of my life. So much so that I was close to not wanting to exist at all. I knew at that point that I would never be that kind of NCO. I would never treat an Airman like that. I would be the one to fight for my people. To make sure my people knew that they mattered as humans. So now here I am. Just stepping into the supervisory role as a brand new NCO. My Airmans wife is having a baby today. They have no family here to support them. First time parents. They asked me to be here with them. Jason's first response? Well what are you even going to do by being There? SUPPORT THEM! I think he has it so ingrained into his mindset that supervisors don't do these types of things that he doesn't see why I would need to be ...

Wow! The last 6 weeks have been a whirlwind of craziness. With the training I was in it was go to class all day, come home, maybe eat some dinner, sneak upstairs, study all night and pass out at the screen of my laptop. There was sleep sacrificed to go through some issues with my husband. Sleep sacrificed when Lily was sick. Sleep sacrificed to be a wife to my husband after we got through some crappy stuff. Time with my beautiful children to finish all course work to ensure my babies and family have stability. I could see how difficult it was on my little family. There were times laundry didn't get washed. Times I didn't shower but twice a week. Times I sat and cried upstairs to the sounds of my babies crying for me downstairs. I had to keep telling myself you have to keep going for them. They don't understand now but some day they will. I hope they will see and always know how much I love them. How much love is in every thought and decision I make. They are my life through...

I have been doing so well I haven't taken my meds for a minute..... last night showed that it was time to start taking them again. My son has a tv in his room because he is scared of the dark. Well at some point he took it upon himself to shove a DVD in it backwards  and it ruined the tv. Then I found my lion king DVD which is a very important thing of mine it grants room on the floor. I was furious and I yelled some mean things to Jason and told him to go away. I immediately felt awful after. I don't know why I just can't control myself like a normal person. So Jason was downstairs and I texted him that I was sorry. That helpless version of me mad her ridiculous appearance and I told him he would be better off without me and I had no idea why he stays with me. Whine whine whine. His usual response is to turn it around into a guilt trip over him...... So even though I was the one crying I was waiting for him to come upstairs and twist it all around...... but he didn't! ...

I think he is starting to realize what he can lose. More often than not I see him crying and worrying what his future will hold. The fact that he is willing to finally be open and honest about his feelings is a major achievement in our relationship. The more he is real with me, the more he can show that he is a human who cares, the more I can convince myself that maybe we can make this work. If he is really willing to put as much effort into this as needed to fix things so there is equality in work put into the marriage then maybe I can stay. It has been my comfort zone in spite of the increasing tension. It was believed in the past that you are in a marriage for the long haul. I can't even begin to describe the weight I can feel lifting itself on my stress level. I can finally feel the lung issue trying to relieve itself after being so highly stressed for a while. It's sore from the tension but it's lessening. We just have to get back to the basis of or relationship to rem...

After the ER last night into early this morning I collapsed in bed tired and still in pain. I really need to adjust my life or this could turn into blood clots in my lungs which is plenty more serious. Jason had taken the kids downstairs when they woke up so I could sleep. I was impressed. I could tell he seemed off though but I didn't ask because he needs to learn to come to me with his feelings. As he was leaving he noticed for the first time that I wasn't wearing my wedding rings. I told him they were in the bathroom and I went back to sleep not wanting to get into it right then. He came upstairs around 0930 crawled into bed, wrapped his arms around me and broke down crying. It was the first time in a while that the connection was real. I asked him what's wrong he said he had an awful dream of me making him leave and him having to say goodbye to the kids. He said he was so ultimately sorry for all the hurt he had caused realized and unrealized. He said that he just could...

10 days ago I went to the ER with what turned out to be stress induced pleurisy. Which is inflammation/infection in the lining of your lungs. I thought I was having a heart attack. It was controlled for a bit with some meds and today it's worse. Instead of the top of my lung it's my entire lung. It is so painful to breathe. So I leave my airmans baby shower that I worked very hard to put together last minute to run home grab my phone charger and some different clothes. I am in pain every time I breathe in mind you. So I'm not talking because that requires more air. And all Jason is concerned about is if I am mad at him..... Not are you okay. Not is there anything I can do to help you. Only if I am mad at him. Why can't I just be real with him? Why can't I look at him and just ask him why he can't function like a normal human being and have some compassion for the person he is supposed to care about most, his wife? Why do I continue to complain but can't brin...