The Light and The Dark

My husband and I went through the first 3 years of my career with an awful supervisor. He only cared about himself. Many days I went home crying because of how he treated me compared to other airmen. My husband saw this. He watched me go through one of the worst times of my life. So much so that I was close to not wanting to exist at all. I knew at that point that I would never be that kind of NCO. I would never treat an Airman like that. I would be the one to fight for my people. To make sure my people knew that they mattered as humans. So now here I am. Just stepping into the supervisory role as a brand new NCO. My Airmans wife is having a baby today. They have no family here to support them. First time parents. They asked me to be here with them. Jason's first response? Well what are you even going to do by being There? SUPPORT THEM! I think he has it so ingrained into his mindset that supervisors don't do these types of things that he doesn't see why I would need to be ...

Wow! The last 6 weeks have been a whirlwind of craziness. With the training I was in it was go to class all day, come home, maybe eat some dinner, sneak upstairs, study all night and pass out at the screen of my laptop. There was sleep sacrificed to go through some issues with my husband. Sleep sacrificed when Lily was sick. Sleep sacrificed to be a wife to my husband after we got through some crappy stuff. Time with my beautiful children to finish all course work to ensure my babies and family have stability. I could see how difficult it was on my little family. There were times laundry didn't get washed. Times I didn't shower but twice a week. Times I sat and cried upstairs to the sounds of my babies crying for me downstairs. I had to keep telling myself you have to keep going for them. They don't understand now but some day they will. I hope they will see and always know how much I love them. How much love is in every thought and decision I make. They are my life through...

I have been doing so well I haven't taken my meds for a minute..... last night showed that it was time to start taking them again. My son has a tv in his room because he is scared of the dark. Well at some point he took it upon himself to shove a DVD in it backwards  and it ruined the tv. Then I found my lion king DVD which is a very important thing of mine it grants room on the floor. I was furious and I yelled some mean things to Jason and told him to go away. I immediately felt awful after. I don't know why I just can't control myself like a normal person. So Jason was downstairs and I texted him that I was sorry. That helpless version of me mad her ridiculous appearance and I told him he would be better off without me and I had no idea why he stays with me. Whine whine whine. His usual response is to turn it around into a guilt trip over him...... So even though I was the one crying I was waiting for him to come upstairs and twist it all around...... but he didn't! ...