The Light and The Dark

I'm lost! I have gone through crazy things in the past few months and with the guidance of a certain someone I thought I was in a good place. I thought that I could trust in the Lord who is supposed to love us. I changed my degree plan because I tbought maybe it was a path where I could make great changes in people's lives like the great changes I thought were happening in my life. I thought I was happy and confident in myself in my job and marriage and in my duty as a mother to my kids. I had convinced myself that I was happy, I knew who I was, and I knew where I was going. In reality I was just trying to live in a world that isn't mine. A world where someone can be just happy every day and be so positive no matter what life throws at you. A world where there is such a perfect marriage you don't have to argue with someone. A world where a man can be the husband I wish I had. A world where you realize that the person you thought cared about you more than required but it...

My husband and I went through the first 3 years of my career with an awful supervisor. He only cared about himself. Many days I went home crying because of how he treated me compared to other airmen. My husband saw this. He watched me go through one of the worst times of my life. So much so that I was close to not wanting to exist at all. I knew at that point that I would never be that kind of NCO. I would never treat an Airman like that. I would be the one to fight for my people. To make sure my people knew that they mattered as humans. So now here I am. Just stepping into the supervisory role as a brand new NCO. My Airmans wife is having a baby today. They have no family here to support them. First time parents. They asked me to be here with them. Jason's first response? Well what are you even going to do by being There? SUPPORT THEM! I think he has it so ingrained into his mindset that supervisors don't do these types of things that he doesn't see why I would need to be ...

Wow! The last 6 weeks have been a whirlwind of craziness. With the training I was in it was go to class all day, come home, maybe eat some dinner, sneak upstairs, study all night and pass out at the screen of my laptop. There was sleep sacrificed to go through some issues with my husband. Sleep sacrificed when Lily was sick. Sleep sacrificed to be a wife to my husband after we got through some crappy stuff. Time with my beautiful children to finish all course work to ensure my babies and family have stability. I could see how difficult it was on my little family. There were times laundry didn't get washed. Times I didn't shower but twice a week. Times I sat and cried upstairs to the sounds of my babies crying for me downstairs. I had to keep telling myself you have to keep going for them. They don't understand now but some day they will. I hope they will see and always know how much I love them. How much love is in every thought and decision I make. They are my life through...

I have been doing so well I haven't taken my meds for a minute..... last night showed that it was time to start taking them again. My son has a tv in his room because he is scared of the dark. Well at some point he took it upon himself to shove a DVD in it backwards  and it ruined the tv. Then I found my lion king DVD which is a very important thing of mine it grants room on the floor. I was furious and I yelled some mean things to Jason and told him to go away. I immediately felt awful after. I don't know why I just can't control myself like a normal person. So Jason was downstairs and I texted him that I was sorry. That helpless version of me mad her ridiculous appearance and I told him he would be better off without me and I had no idea why he stays with me. Whine whine whine. His usual response is to turn it around into a guilt trip over him...... So even though I was the one crying I was waiting for him to come upstairs and twist it all around...... but he didn't! ...

I think he is starting to realize what he can lose. More often than not I see him crying and worrying what his future will hold. The fact that he is willing to finally be open and honest about his feelings is a major achievement in our relationship. The more he is real with me, the more he can show that he is a human who cares, the more I can convince myself that maybe we can make this work. If he is really willing to put as much effort into this as needed to fix things so there is equality in work put into the marriage then maybe I can stay. It has been my comfort zone in spite of the increasing tension. It was believed in the past that you are in a marriage for the long haul. I can't even begin to describe the weight I can feel lifting itself on my stress level. I can finally feel the lung issue trying to relieve itself after being so highly stressed for a while. It's sore from the tension but it's lessening. We just have to get back to the basis of or relationship to rem...

After the ER last night into early this morning I collapsed in bed tired and still in pain. I really need to adjust my life or this could turn into blood clots in my lungs which is plenty more serious. Jason had taken the kids downstairs when they woke up so I could sleep. I was impressed. I could tell he seemed off though but I didn't ask because he needs to learn to come to me with his feelings. As he was leaving he noticed for the first time that I wasn't wearing my wedding rings. I told him they were in the bathroom and I went back to sleep not wanting to get into it right then. He came upstairs around 0930 crawled into bed, wrapped his arms around me and broke down crying. It was the first time in a while that the connection was real. I asked him what's wrong he said he had an awful dream of me making him leave and him having to say goodbye to the kids. He said he was so ultimately sorry for all the hurt he had caused realized and unrealized. He said that he just could...

10 days ago I went to the ER with what turned out to be stress induced pleurisy. Which is inflammation/infection in the lining of your lungs. I thought I was having a heart attack. It was controlled for a bit with some meds and today it's worse. Instead of the top of my lung it's my entire lung. It is so painful to breathe. So I leave my airmans baby shower that I worked very hard to put together last minute to run home grab my phone charger and some different clothes. I am in pain every time I breathe in mind you. So I'm not talking because that requires more air. And all Jason is concerned about is if I am mad at him..... Not are you okay. Not is there anything I can do to help you. Only if I am mad at him. Why can't I just be real with him? Why can't I look at him and just ask him why he can't function like a normal human being and have some compassion for the person he is supposed to care about most, his wife? Why do I continue to complain but can't brin...

Last night Jason bought me flowers. I feel like he thinks he is trying by sending I love you messages throughout the day and trying to be all touchy-feely and I think me 3 years ago that would have been enough but me today just isn't convinced. I'm not in love with him. I'm not even sure if I love him in any capacity any more. I think I have just gotten good at being a good actor because it's easier than dealing with all the conflict. Sometimes I seriously worry about him ending his life because of me ending our relationship. I don't know how to put me first. I'm told I need to learn how to block out and eliminate my stressors. But how do I say no to people i am supposed to care about? I understand. If I don't take care of myself how can I take care of others. Put the oxygen mask on yourself in the plane before you start putting it on other people. Got it. But stopping to take care of myself can alienate others. But then they don't really care about me r...

So I have been seeing a counselor for a while now and it all keeps coming back to do you love your husband? Do you want to be married to him? Finally I said out loud that I don't want to be married anymore. I'm still ultra conflicted about it. I'm not in love with him. I can say I love him as my kids father but he doesn't even do a good job at that. Most days he does things when he wants them done not when they need to be done. Don't change them an hour after they have pooped pay attention to know when they are doing it and change them as soon as they are done not when you feel like getting up off the couch. Am I too strict? Am I just finding excuses to get out of this marriage? I just feel tired of trying to make things work. I'm tired of fighting for him against EVERYONE. Am I just being lazy? He didn't even notice that I didn't wear my wedding rings for a week after he sent that message to another girl. He said he was sorry but he was drinking and did...