10 days ago I went to the ER with what turned out to be stress induced pleurisy. Which is inflammation/infection in the lining of your lungs. I thought I was having a heart attack. It was controlled for a bit with some meds and today it's worse. Instead of the top of my lung it's my entire lung. It is so painful to breathe. So I leave my airmans baby shower that I worked very hard to put together last minute to run home grab my phone charger and some different clothes. I am in pain every time I breathe in mind you. So I'm not talking because that requires more air. And all Jason is concerned about is if I am mad at him..... Not are you okay. Not is there anything I can do to help you. Only if I am mad at him. Why can't I just be real with him? Why can't I look at him and just ask him why he can't function like a normal human being and have some compassion for the person he is supposed to care about most, his wife? Why do I continue to complain but can't bring myself to put my foot down and fricken change my life. No one else can change it for me. I sit here in the ER by myself. He stayed home with the kids because they were asleep. Hasn't asked if I made it here safely. He knows that this is all stress induced but his attitude continues to show that he doesn't care. Truly care. Maybe he doesn't know how to care...... I went to Barnes and nobles by myself today. It's been the only time where I could breathe freely. I sat in the book store for a couple hours and threw myself into a fantasy book. I didn't realize how much I missed me escape from reality. How reading can transport you to a completely different world and suddenly none of your problems exist anymore. Sometimes I wished I could transport myself into those fictional world's so I wouldn't have to exist any more. Frequently I feel so disconnected it's like I am looking down on my own train wreck of a life happening right in front of me and I'm just too exhausted to stop the bad happenings, and bad decisions. I just wish he cared about me as much as I once thought he did. I found a painting of a lady sitting on a boat pier reading on a sunny day. No shoes on. No other people around. Just her, a book, and the sounds of the water around her. I want that freedom. I want to just leave and go find somewhere to randomly sit and read a book with no problems to follow me. Maybe someday he can give me what I deserve. Until then I suppose.......
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