I think he is starting to realize what he can lose. More often than not I see him crying and worrying what his future will hold. The fact that he is willing to finally be open and honest about his feelings is a major achievement in our relationship. The more he is real with me, the more he can show that he is a human who cares, the more I can convince myself that maybe we can make this work. If he is really willing to put as much effort into this as needed to fix things so there is equality in work put into the marriage then maybe I can stay. It has been my comfort zone in spite of the increasing tension. It was believed in the past that you are in a marriage for the long haul. I can't even begin to describe the weight I can feel lifting itself on my stress level. I can finally feel the lung issue trying to relieve itself after being so highly stressed for a while. It's sore from the tension but it's lessening. We just have to get back to the basis of or relationship to remember why we are here aside from our kids. Why did we fall in love and how can we bring that back? We started our relationship through letters in basic training I think we are going to bring that back. One love letter a week. No negative in the letter only positive love letters. I think we can get through this. And hopefully come out stronger on the other side. My goal is to really find my reason for doing this for me. Although he may need me to be doing this for him, if I don't do this for myself then it can all just come back up again in the future. I have to get through this for myself. Learn about myself. Hopefully he can do this for himself as well. Take the kids out of the equation. I have hope as long as we both continue to keep open communication. The only thing I don't like right now is that he has himself convinced it's all his fault. And it's not. It's not fair that he doesn't know what I have done. And I hope that when it comes to me telling him that I don't just completely ruin any progress we may have made. How can I let him go through this process thinking that it's all his fault when I have plenty of blame to take..... And some days are good and some days aren't so good for me. I haven't taken my meds in a week or so which I know isn't helpful but some days I have a positive attitude and other days I seriously contemplate the existence of a forgiving God who would maybe understand if I just ended my own pain and confusion. The only thing that keeps me here is the doubt that there is nothing after life accept death. Sometimes I scare myself......
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