Real or Fake?

Last night Jason bought me flowers. I feel like he thinks he is trying by sending I love you messages throughout the day and trying to be all touchy-feely and I think me 3 years ago that would have been enough but me today just isn't convinced. I'm not in love with him. I'm not even sure if I love him in any capacity any more. I think I have just gotten good at being a good actor because it's easier than dealing with all the conflict. Sometimes I seriously worry about him ending his life because of me ending our relationship. I don't know how to put me first. I'm told I need to learn how to block out and eliminate my stressors. But how do I say no to people i am supposed to care about? I understand. If I don't take care of myself how can I take care of others. Put the oxygen mask on yourself in the plane before you start putting it on other people. Got it. But stopping to take care of myself can alienate others. But then they don't really care about me right? I don't want to be married anymore. I can admit it to myself. But I can't seem to admit it to him. And I know I am doing neither of us any justice by dragging it out. I wish he could just understand how much he's messed up. How much I wish he would get some help for himself so he could see how detrimental he is to my mental health. I am in a group of people my own age and I feel alienated myself because I don't know how to interact with them. Sometimes I wonder that if I had myself 100% convinced that heaven existed and that I wouldn't go to hell because of the "be baptized and be saved" that I would really wonder why I would even continue living.... Why do we suffer through life if there is this supposed amazing after life. But how can that be when there are so many different religions that all read the same bible and yet manage to interpret the information completely different. And who am I to say what is right and what is wrong? And if I leave Jason how do I prevent myself from making the same mistakes all over again. And why hasn't he even noticed that I haven't worn my wedding rings in two weeks? Doesn't that symbolism matter to him? I need a do over.