The Light and The Dark

I think he is starting to realize what he can lose. More often than not I see him crying and worrying what his future will hold. The fact that he is willing to finally be open and honest about his feelings is a major achievement in our relationship. The more he is real with me, the more he can show that he is a human who cares, the more I can convince myself that maybe we can make this work. If he is really willing to put as much effort into this as needed to fix things so there is equality in work put into the marriage then maybe I can stay. It has been my comfort zone in spite of the increasing tension. It was believed in the past that you are in a marriage for the long haul. I can't even begin to describe the weight I can feel lifting itself on my stress level. I can finally feel the lung issue trying to relieve itself after being so highly stressed for a while. It's sore from the tension but it's lessening. We just have to get back to the basis of or relationship to rem...

After the ER last night into early this morning I collapsed in bed tired and still in pain. I really need to adjust my life or this could turn into blood clots in my lungs which is plenty more serious. Jason had taken the kids downstairs when they woke up so I could sleep. I was impressed. I could tell he seemed off though but I didn't ask because he needs to learn to come to me with his feelings. As he was leaving he noticed for the first time that I wasn't wearing my wedding rings. I told him they were in the bathroom and I went back to sleep not wanting to get into it right then. He came upstairs around 0930 crawled into bed, wrapped his arms around me and broke down crying. It was the first time in a while that the connection was real. I asked him what's wrong he said he had an awful dream of me making him leave and him having to say goodbye to the kids. He said he was so ultimately sorry for all the hurt he had caused realized and unrealized. He said that he just could...

10 days ago I went to the ER with what turned out to be stress induced pleurisy. Which is inflammation/infection in the lining of your lungs. I thought I was having a heart attack. It was controlled for a bit with some meds and today it's worse. Instead of the top of my lung it's my entire lung. It is so painful to breathe. So I leave my airmans baby shower that I worked very hard to put together last minute to run home grab my phone charger and some different clothes. I am in pain every time I breathe in mind you. So I'm not talking because that requires more air. And all Jason is concerned about is if I am mad at him..... Not are you okay. Not is there anything I can do to help you. Only if I am mad at him. Why can't I just be real with him? Why can't I look at him and just ask him why he can't function like a normal human being and have some compassion for the person he is supposed to care about most, his wife? Why do I continue to complain but can't brin...

Last night Jason bought me flowers. I feel like he thinks he is trying by sending I love you messages throughout the day and trying to be all touchy-feely and I think me 3 years ago that would have been enough but me today just isn't convinced. I'm not in love with him. I'm not even sure if I love him in any capacity any more. I think I have just gotten good at being a good actor because it's easier than dealing with all the conflict. Sometimes I seriously worry about him ending his life because of me ending our relationship. I don't know how to put me first. I'm told I need to learn how to block out and eliminate my stressors. But how do I say no to people i am supposed to care about? I understand. If I don't take care of myself how can I take care of others. Put the oxygen mask on yourself in the plane before you start putting it on other people. Got it. But stopping to take care of myself can alienate others. But then they don't really care about me r...

So I have been seeing a counselor for a while now and it all keeps coming back to do you love your husband? Do you want to be married to him? Finally I said out loud that I don't want to be married anymore. I'm still ultra conflicted about it. I'm not in love with him. I can say I love him as my kids father but he doesn't even do a good job at that. Most days he does things when he wants them done not when they need to be done. Don't change them an hour after they have pooped pay attention to know when they are doing it and change them as soon as they are done not when you feel like getting up off the couch. Am I too strict? Am I just finding excuses to get out of this marriage? I just feel tired of trying to make things work. I'm tired of fighting for him against EVERYONE. Am I just being lazy? He didn't even notice that I didn't wear my wedding rings for a week after he sent that message to another girl. He said he was sorry but he was drinking and did...

Sunday afternoon. I'm sitting home with the kids and the puppy while Jason is getting a tattoo for Lily. Merry Christmas and happy anniversary dear! Things have actually been pretty okay lately. No major issues have occurred. Yet I'm still not happy like I think I should be. I continue to wonder what's wrong with me. There are people in this world who are in worse situations than I am. I have my family in good health. I have a house to live. A stable job I just got promoted in. I work very hard for everything we have. To make my family happy and not want for anything. And I'm still not happy. I have been scared of what I may be capable of doing to Grant because his being a 3 year old attitude really sets me on edge. I threw his sippy cup into the kitchen so hard the other night I'm surprised it didn't break. In the moment I really wanted to throw it at him. It breaks my heart because he is just a normal 3 year old. I look at lily who is the light of my life and ...